Realm of Insanity
by Maybe I'm a Kinkajou
Summary: Unspeakable horrors reside inside the fic. Enter at your own risk. Spoilers for all games. Language, sexuality, violence...everything lives here.
1. How Home Brew Changed History

Author's note: This is nothing but a collection of crap. Crap that should never be posted in any realm of serious writing. This is the kind of crap that would get me killed in any serious writing circle. But, you know what? Screw it, even I need a place to be random.

So, welcome to the Realm of Insanity. Here you will find nasty pairings, joke fics featuring vulgar and unfunny humor, and other things too gruesome to mention. Some of these fics are requests, some are dares, some are just fifteen-minute pieces of crap that I felt like writing to make fun of pairings. This fic will never be complete: It will last as long as I am some sick, twisted little puppy.

This is rated M for a reason: It's vulgar, nasty, and has no coherent meaning. None of the chapters link to the other. In short, it's anything that I don't want taken seriously. Okay?

That being said, flames are welcome.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem.

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How Home Brew Changed History:

Today should've been a day like any other day. Makalov awoke with the same pounding headache that accompanied his now-familiar hangovers, the same crustiness on his lips from drooling in the middle of the night, and the same urge to piss like a wyvern in heat.

What made this day so different, however, was that he was aware of not having any clothes on. This was an unusual change in his routine, because he, unlike most males, had no love for sleeping in the nude. This disturbance in his morning overrode his bladder, and he thought about it for a moment. Did he...make it?

This was highly absurd. Of course, he was a fine, upstanding drunk that could have any woman he wanted, but he did not make it a habit of having sex while hammered, mostly because he did not want to end up in bed with anyone other than his beloved Astrid. Ah, Astrid, what a lovely maiden she was. Perhaps he had scored with her last night?

Now that he was becoming more aware of his surroundings, Makalov was aware that there indeed was another person in his bed. He grinned; he HAD made it last night. Oh, jolly day! But...was it Astrid lying beside him? Further more, was it even a female? For that matter, what if they weren't even a beorc? What if he had gotten so shit-faced, that he had let some tiger give it to him in the bum? No, he decided, he would DEFINITELY remember that.

Well, nothing could be certain if he didn't take a look at who was sleep beside him. One, two, three, roll over!

Holy shit. There was someone with pink hair lying beside him. Oh, dear goddess, let it be a man, don't let be...

HOLY SHIT. Oh god, he couldn't have done it with her! He lifted up the covers, to see if it looked like...

**HOLY SHIT!**

Makalov sprang out of bed like a snake had bit his dinger. Marcia? Dear god, he only had twelve shots and a few highballs last night! Well, and chugged that tankard of Brom's home brew on a bet. Note to self: Never chug Brom's home brew ever again.

Makalov decided to pretend nothing was wrong for the moment. Stumbling to his feet, he positioned himself by the window, letting April Showers fall to the stones of the castle. Feeling a little better for that, he then made the hardest decision of his life. Makalov gave his sister a nudge.

"Whut?" Marcia blinked, looking around the room, then looked at Makalov. Oh, goddess! He did not like the way her eyes were looking right about now.

"HOLY PORKCHOPS ON TOAST!" She screamed. Makalov realized that he was still naked. Oh, no!

"WHY AM I NAKED?! WHY ARE _YOU_ NAKED?!" She screamed again, grabbing a pillow and started to injured Makalov in ways he never thought possible for a feathery soft thing to hurt.

"YOU CHEESE DOODLE! YOU BACON BANGER! YOU MACKREL FACE! YOU CROCK OF BURNED BEANS!"

Oh, stop swinging that pillow at the family jewels! She was going to murder him! Out of desperation, Makalov grabbed a sheet from his bed, and dove out the window, floating to the ground as Marcia screamed and called him every culinary curse imaginable! But, his landing was safe, even though he had the misfortune of landing in front of Geoffrey and Elincia, who were in the middle of a tender moment.

But, if it were not for that unpleasent turn of events, Makalov would never have invented the parachute. Or nut-cups.

The end.


	2. Summoned Love

Author's note: You survived the first chapter. Why are you still reading?

Nothing is sacred here. All pairings will be mocked, lampooned, and invented. Fear the invented ones, like this next chapter.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Fire Emblem.

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Summoned Love

Certain death was upon Eliwood and his group. Nergal had been easy, but the dragon? All of their attempts to fell the beast had been in vain. The corpses of their companions lay at the dragon's feet. Erk, Oswin, Dorcas, Kent... all of them had been vanquished by the beast.

So when Nils stepped up to face the dragon, everyone was shocked. If such a beast could defeat the warriors, what chance would a bard have against it?

Nils, however, had a plan. There was an ancient draconic spell that he could use, one that was forbidden from ever being talked about among them. It was the only thing Nils knew that could save them.

"I call upon the magic of my ancestors, make me strong enough to defeat this foe! I summon the forbidden arts, the warrior! Give me the STRENGTH!"

There was a crash of thunder, and Nils' body began to change. He grew larger, much larger than the dragon, who had stopped his rampage and looked at Nils with fear in his eyes. It knew what was coming when the boy's aqua hair turned into barely a wisp of brown, and his lithe, small frame became towering and obese.

"How could you summon such a fell art?!" The dragon cried.

"Because my friends needed me!" The transformed Nils roared. "Behold, I now have the strength to defeat you!"

Transformed Nils' pant exploded, revealing a raging erection that was almost as big as the dragon itself. Nils grabbed the dragon and lifted it off the floor, and shoved him onto his massive wang, moving the dragon up and down roughly. The dragon roared with pain and pleasure, but it still knew what was about to come.

Suddenly, Nils let out a mighty cry, and the dragon exploded in a flurry of guts and white goo, showering the vomitting fighters with a rain of gore and man juice. When it cleared, Nils was back to his original shape, sans pants.

This is why it is taught that pansy Eliwood defeated the dragon. The truth is too much for weak minds.


	3. Steamy Love

A brief yuri fic for all you FE10 yuri fans.

Still don't own FE.

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So Mia and Nephanee and Heather and Ilyana and Micaiah and Elincia were standing around one day with nothing to do but twiddle their thumbs so Heather looked at Nephanee and said "I'd love to twiddle my thumbs in you" and Nephanee said "that's a good idea" and they both got nekkid and started doing lesbian things and Micaiah looked at Elincia and said "Hey that looks fun let's do it too" and tackled Elincia to the ground and ripped her clothes off and did lesbian things to her then Mia looked at Ilyana and said to Ilyana "Hey I got nothing better to do so let's do that" and Ilyana was like "okay" and ate all of Mia's clothes because her tapeworm needed a feedin' except she accidently ate one of Mia's lovely breasts but Mia didn't mind because it was so erotic and made her come instantly and all the girls came at the same time except Elincia because she has a gigantic wang but she showered all the girls in love and that was okay and they all came again and again until they all died except for Ilyana who was hungry and ate their corpses.

The end.

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I hope you enjoyed Steamy Love. :D


	4. Gentle Love

A brief yaoi fic for all you FE9-10 yaoi fans.

Still don't own FE.

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Ike takes off his belt and stretches it across his hands, making Soren cower. Ike likes that; he loves to be in control of Soren for just a moment, and Soren does this to please him. Then Ike tosses the belt aside, and gently takes Soren in his strong arms, running his hand along the other's pale face and telling the mage that he would never hurt him, because he loves him. Then he proceeds to let his hands drift lower and lower, making Soren scream like a small child with ecstacy.

Then Mist walks in, and Ike and Soren pull out their AK-47s and fucking UNLOAD on her.

fin

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I hope you enjoyed Gentle Love. :D


	5. Teacher's Love

A brief crack yaoi fic for all you FE8 crack yaoi fans.

Still don't own FE.

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Ephraim's first lance training sesson had begun.

Duessel proceeded to fondle Ephraim in a way that made the young prince uncomfortable, but, if it would improve his training, Ephraim really had no problems with it; his lance performance was shoddy and limp at best. Duessel smiled at Ephraim, gently pushing the young boy over the bed. "Now, let me show you real control over a lance."

But as Duessel went to show him, Ephraim said, "Wait, oh SHIT!" and unexpectedly projectile diarrhea'd all over Duessel.

They both exploded, and Lyon ran in and pissed all over their bloody remains.

fin

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I hope you enjoyed Teacher's Love. :D


	6. Savior of Love

Dedicated to Apejack Cuba and Naglfar.

Disclaimer: I do not own FE.

It was a normal day for Mia. Well, not completely normal, for Mia was not wearing her typical orange outfit. Why not, you ask? Well, because she had a date. A fine date. With a fine man. She liked this man a lot, and she wanted to look nice for him. So Mia was wearing a lovely black gown, and had her hair done in beautiful wavy curls.

But she was unaware of the danger lurking outside of her door!

Two people were plotting. They were plotting something horrible. What sort of horrible? Well, let us find out, and we will find out now, because the door to Mia's room exploded, and in walked Mist and Elincia!

Mia was shocked. "Mist, Elincia, what are you doing here?"

"We are here because of you," Mist said, licking her fingers as Elincia let out a Kefka laugh.

"But I cannot stay for I have a date with a wonderful man!" Mia said frantically. She was quite afraid, and rightly so, for Mist and Elincia were drawing closer.

"Mia, you are beautiful," Mist said, hocking a loogie on the floor."And we are not. Therefore, to be beautiful, we must get rid of beautiful people like you!"

"But, wait!"

"No waiting!" Elincia cried, Kefka-laughing again. "Come, Mist, we must show her our equipment for this task!"

Mist and Elincia lifted their skirts, revealing large manjunk. "Oh no!" Mia cried. "You do not plan to rape me, do you?"

"Why, yes, we do."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mia tried to run, but Mist and Elincia grabbed her, ripping down the front of her dress and grabbing on to Mia's poor delicate bosom. Mia screamed as loudly as she could, but she knew no one could hear her. The two demented dickgirls laughed at Mia as they shoved her to the floor.

"Go ahead and scream! No one will save you!" They cackled, manjunk swinging in all directions.

But suddenly, hope! "Mia, my darling!"

There in the doorway stood a man. He looked at the scene, and was shocked that such horrible acts were taking place. The two dickgirls, about to rape his beloved Mia, was unforgivable!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?!" The man roared.

"We are punishing her for being so perfect," Mist said. "But you have caught us, so you will die!" Mist did a pelvic thrust, and a laserbeam went firing at the man, but the moment it hit him, it disappeared!

"No!" Mist cried, going limp. "That magic is unstoppable!"

"Not for me!" The man roared. "For I did not invent those arts for the purpose of harming perfection!"

"Noooooooo you can't be--!"

"Yes, I am." Gheb's pants exploded as his massive erection burst through. He did a pelvic thrust, and Elincia was sent hurtling through a portal into another dimension. Mist was frozen with fear.

"This pisses me off," Gheb said, grabbing Mist by the arm and swinging her around his head several times. "You will learn from the master!" He held Mist in front of him and gave three mighty thrusts into her mouth, thinking of his beloved Mia on top of him with her breasts giggling like peach Jell-O. It was so erotically hot that he caem, making Mist's head explode.

"Oh Gheb you saved me!" Mia ran up to Gheb, hugging him tightly. "Of course, my love. Now, let go to my place and watch Steel Magnolias. Then we can take a bubble bath together."

"Oh, Gheb, that sounds so romantic!"

And Gheb took Mia into his arms as his angelic wings sprouted, then he flew out the window.

MEANWHILE

"NO LET ME GO!" Elincia screamed, her head trapped under two huge naked buttocks. "Oh ho ho!" Oliver giggled, for he had eaten bean burritos. "It's about to get a little drafty in here!"

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Thanks for reading. R&R, please!


	7. Ike's 'Roid Rage

AN: Wow, it's been a hell of a long time since I've done anything. Let's see who still reads this.

I don't own shit to a tree.

Today was a day like any other in the life of Ike the Hero. He had just gotten done arguing with Skrimir over which of them was more pumped than the other, and was taking care of some urgent business. But this business wasn't so urgent that he couldn't think for a moment.

Thinking is a slow process for Ike. You see, Ike doesn't think in sentences, but in letters. It takes a long time for one letter to make it from one part of his brain to the other. That is why he does not pursue women. By the time his brain is finished thinking the word "boobies," it's an hour later and he's already lost his chance completely. But back on topic, Ike was doing something unheard of for today, and that was thinking in complete words.

"Soren, I don't think I'm pumped enough," Ike said slowly. Ike does everything slowly. People think it's because he's manly and aloof but I've already stated why he is so slow.

Anyway, Soren looked up from Ike's crotch, frowning. "Ike, I assure you, you are quite pumped," Soren said, batting his lovely eyelashes. "Now hold still."

"No, I'm not pumped enough," Ike said again. "I need to be pumped. I am a very pumped individual on the inside, but I do not reflect that pumpage on the outside. I need to be pumped. Majorly pumped."

"Dude, your calves are so big that they split the seam of your pants."

"But that's because I flexed them," Ike argued slowly. "I want to put on a pair of pants and have the thighs split because my ankles are too big. I want---"

"Alright alright, shut up already." Soren stamped his pretty little foot impatiently. "Just go ask Skrimir how he became so pumped then."

Ike pondered this for a moment. "Okay...I shall."

So Ike went to Skrimir's tent. Skrimir was sitting in his large throne, his purple pimp hat pushed back as he watched two of his catgirl bitches making out with each other. When he saw Ike, he smiled, light reflecting off his diamond grill. "Ike, you pussy cracka'!" Skrimir boomed.

"Hello, Skri---"

"I did not say you could open your mouth, bitch!" Skrimir yelled. "You has interrupted my happy time wid mah ho's!" The two catgirls snarled at Ike, making him blush for a moment before the word "boobies" went through his mind.

"Youse better not be lookin' at mah ho's, bitch!"

"No, not at all, Pimplord Skrimir."

This seemed to please Skrimir, who waved away the two catgirls. "Dun worry, honeys, we gonna have us a good time after this cracka' leaves. You two lookin' bootylicious for sure. Now, IKE!" Skrimir took out a big cigar, and began to smoke it. "What the fuck do you want, cracka'?"

"How did you become so pumped, Pimplord Skrimir?"

Skrimir stopped puffing on his cigar for a moment. "The fuck you want to know?"

"I wish to become as pumped as you, Pimplord."

"YOU!? NO GODDAMN PUSSY FUCKIN' CRACKA' ASS HONKIE SHITBAG COULD EVAH BE AS PUMPED AS ME! I AM A FUCKIN' JUGGERNAUT, BITCH! GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BUST A CAP IN IT, CRACKA'!"

Disappointed, Ike slunk out of Skrimir's tent, contemplating giving up and binging on cake instead. That is, he was thinking that until Ranulf stepped up and wrapped his arm around Ike's shoulder.

"Say, bro, I heard you wants to get, shall we say, 'pumped,'" Ranulf drawled, patting Ike on the back. "Now, what would you say if I could, let's say, hook you up with some stuff?"

"Hook me up?"

"Sure, bro. Skrimir's been hitting the juice, you see?"

"Juice?"

"Nevermind, you're too thick. Here." Ranulf pulled out a bottle that smell a little like licorice and a lot like eggs. "You drink this "juice," you get pumped. Just like Skrimir. Do we have a deal, son? Of course we do. I'll just take whatever's in your purse (holy shit man, is that a purse? I see half your problem there), and leave you the juice. Later, bro!"

Ike was left there without his designer manbag that Soren had made him. But he was okay, since he had Skrimir's magic potion. He drank the whole thing and then trotted off to his barbells to get pumped.

"Unf...unf...unf..."

Ike pumped iron steadily. He watched with fascination as his muscles started growing right before his eyes! He felt larger, stronger, pumping steadily. Soren walked by, and Ike heard him squeal.

"Ike, what on earth happened to you?!"

"Can't talk, getting pumped."

Clink...clank...barbell went up and down, feeling lighter as his muscles felt tighter. His muscles bulged out, bigger around than Soren's waist, growing each time Ike pumped iron.

"But Ike, your muscles shouldn't do that!"

"Getting pumped!" He yelled, pumping the barbell faster. His arms rippled, muscles and veins popping out all over them.

"But Ike--"

"PUMPED!" Ike screamed, the barbell moving so fast it was turning into a blur. His muscles were shaking, straining against the flesh.

"OH GOD I'M PUUUUUUUUUUUUUMPED!"

There was an ear-splitting KABOOM! The earth moved, shook, and Ike's muscles exploded into a rain of blood and 'roids. Soren was standing there, covering in gore and slime, and said, "Wow, now I know why his dick was so small."

AN: :D R&R, I love it.


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